PoorAss Hilton
(aka. Paris Hilton's Newest Fashion Accessory)

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Monday, July 03, 2006

Just For The Fun Of It - A Photo Montage  

Don't know how many of you remember when Pretzle went to Amsterdam. But I do. I remember because mostly all he did was post things about how cool he was, or how wasted he was, or how hot he was. Okay so he didn't post how hot he was,cuz he MUST have a mirror...but anyhoo, this is one of my favorite pics that he posted. Look at how squinty his eyes are. What a nerd.

This picture gave me bad dreams for awhile. I don't know if it is his belly that protrudes from his robe, or if it looks like he can eat that man he is hugging for an appetizer. Or if it is his partner, and in that case I have too many vivid pictures of them doing the deed and that kind of scares me. Don't get me wrong, I live in NYC, I am rainbow flag friendly, but generally like to NOT imagine what it is like for men. (DISCLAIMER: But I want all homosexuals to be happy forever, and see no boundaries in who you choose to love.) That said, doesn't Pretzle look pretty white and fluffy???? This pic might be from Sundance.

Doesn't he look like a great big giant pink twinkie? Or rather a snowball??? Are those things pink? Whatever the case, WTF???? Who wears an outfit like that? Is this a secret love message to 'Pink is the New Blog' author Trent??? Go to town folks, go to TOWN!!!

That's all folks.

Whoreanusly yours,
Ms. PoorAss Hilton

     [ by Ms.PoorAssHilton, 7/03/2006   --


At July 03, 2006 11:38 PM, Anonymous Mario Lavandeira said...

sit here in my one room Manhattan apartment, all alone, in pain. Last night, I went to a gay bathhouse on Wall Street - The Wall Street Sauna to be exact - to get some action. It is the typical deal - you rent a room with a single bed in it, you lay there ass up with an open can of Crisco and poppers on the bedside table, and you take on all comers. Well, it took SEVEN HOURS for someone to come by to pack my fudge, and only then after I started smoking meth. He was too big, and boy did he rip me up! It was painful, let me tell you.

I got home and rubbed some ambelsol on my anus and 'roids to sooth them, and tried to sleep all afternoon. The phone kept ringing with crank callers, so I put it off the hook. Then, the pizzas started arriving. Delivery after delivery of pizza, all with extra cheese, pepperoni, and onions, and none of the delivery boys would believe that it was all a prank being played on me, and I had to buy them all after they threatened to beat my ass.

Finally, I got to sleep. When I woke up, I ate five of the pizzas. They were cold, but pretty good. Then my stomach started hurting, so I lay down to rest. Acid started to rush up my throat, burning it, and into my nose, burning my nostrils. I had to take three Nexiums before the acid would stop coming up my windpipe to my nose.

Unfortunately, that many Nexiums impacts me, and I had five pizzas I had to expell, so I bloated up like a led zeppelin. Then the parasites started to kick in. I must have gotten parasites from the guy who fucked me last night, because all of the sudden my colon started screaming in pain and blood started to dribble from my anus.

So here I am, five pepperoni and onion pizzas in my colon and parasites attacking my intestinal walls. My 'roids itch. Since I'm so fat, it is hard to reach to wipe well unless I am feeling very limber which I never am after smoking meth, so my butt is greasy with Crisco, semen and dingleberries and I have skidmarks in my underwear and pants. Every time I put the phone on the hook it rings and rings, so I can't use the phone to call my doctor. Understand that I can't walk because of the pain and the assblood, so I can't walk outside and use a public telephone or catch a cab to the emergency room. And to top it all off, more pizza deliveries started coming.

So, since I am broke and can't pay for any more pizzas, I've been sitting here pretending I'm not home and I am smoking meth to forget about all of this. I am wasted, speeding, itching, bleeding, and stuffed like a pig. And acid is coming up my throat into my nose again, and I ran out of Nexium.

I now realize that I must have been a real asshole with my blog for people to put me into this situation. Yes, if people emailed me I was rude to them - I figured with so many readers I could do without a few of the jerks. I outed a few in the closet celebrities, and personally I think one of them posted my phone number and address and I must tell you that payback is a BITCH! Yes, I did take money from record companies to plug crappy records. Yes, I did bully PR firms with bad press to get them to let me into their events. You call me a self-loathing homosexual? Guilty as charged. You'd hate to be gay too if you couldn't get laid, and got parasites whenever you did! You can't imagine the diseases I get whenever I get sex - anal herpes, parasites, gonorrhea of the anus, 'roids, etc. etc. I spend a week puking and shitting after every time I get plugged.

And now I read your blog, and realize that by your count, there are at least 10,000 people who just hate me, who just despise me, who make fun of me on this very public blog. As I read the comments, it all makes sense to me too. I've been a real asshole, and now I'm getting called on it.

So, I apologize. I am sorry. I won't do it again. All I wanted to do was make a living and get laid. Please forgive me.

Please stop dissing me on your blog. And stop sending me pizzas.

Mario Lavandeira

AKA Perez Hilton

At July 03, 2006 11:51 PM, Blogger Ms.PoorAssHilton said...

dude - as entertaining as that was...you REALLY need to get a life.

Whoreanusly yours,
Ms. PoorAss Hilton

At July 04, 2006 3:35 AM, Blogger George M. said...

Ms. Poorassed Hilton:

I reiterate my offer to perform cunnilingus on you until you experience multiple orgasms. As you know, I was trained by a lesbian and I am better than any lesbian. Every man has one area of expertise and this is mine. I make this offer without implication that you can't find a man or woman to do this to you yourself - although I doubt you can find anyone else who can bring you to a simultaneous vaginal/clitoral multiple orgasms. Rather, I appreciate your efforts in running this site, and I have a sincere desire to taste you as you writhe in orgasm against my face.

Just tell me when and where and I will be there.

At July 04, 2006 7:13 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


Perez is in Manhattan, and he has run out of money. He's been up all night and day smoking meth he bought on Washington Square Park, and he is ravenous.

Perez needs our help. Perez has given all of us entertainment; now it is time for us to return the favor. Please order deliveries pizzas (extra cheese and extra pepperoni), cheeesburgers, and super sized orders of french fries to his Manhatan home in bulk. Feel free to order gay escorts to his door.

With your help, we can all HELP PEREZ! IT's PEPPERED!


(also known as Perez)

lives at:

NEW YORK, NY 10014
(212) 352-2033

He also lives at:

(323) 822-0392

Remember - you can make a difference.


Posted by: Perez, Down And Out In Manhattan | July 4, 2006 12:21 AM

got this from perez's site.......help him out you guys!!!

At July 04, 2006 8:34 AM, Anonymous lindsay morgan lohan said...

Happy Fourth, Miss P.

(Pls. keep up the good work!)

Peppered in perpetuity,

At July 04, 2006 9:15 AM, Anonymous Mario Lavendeira said...

Miss P - I've been up smoking meth for two fucking days and I am finally ready. I'm tired of being a ass bandit homer. I want to hit your pussy with my big cock. I want to completely fill you with throbbing, purple man meat until your clit is rock hard, and coat your cervix with my penis snot. I know you're a fine assed bitch, and I want to show you genuine monkey love and fuck you until you can't walk straight.

Looking forward to sucking your titties and parting your pussy lips to let the meat slide in -

At July 04, 2006 9:38 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

hey mario, chill out. have a pizza!

At July 04, 2006 9:39 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

hey mario, chill out. have some pizza!

At July 04, 2006 10:04 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

someone give him some pizza....

At July 04, 2006 2:30 PM, Blogger superherofan said...

Dude... like the lady said before... you REALLY need to get a life.

At July 04, 2006 9:57 PM, Blogger vivid illusion said...

Oh my god. LOL. What was I supposed to be commenting on before I lost the plot laughing?
Oh yeah...Perez looks kind of like a big pink novelty condom. Which is a good thing, cos all that rubber would hopefully protect people from him.

At July 04, 2006 10:00 PM, Blogger Bedazzler said...

Oh my god. LOL. Now what was I supposed to be writing before I lost the plot laughing?
Oh yeah, Perez looks like a big pink novelty condom, which could be a good thing, all that rubber would protect people from him.

Brandon's NO1 fansite on the NETTE!

At July 04, 2006 10:12 PM, Blogger Bedazzler said...

Has anyone read that ridiculous story about whether Paris Hilton is smart or not (write a thesis why don't you) where they interview Perez. I can't think of any other blogger I know who is as vain and self-promoting.

Brandon's NO1 fansite on the NETTE!

At July 04, 2006 10:31 PM, Blogger Ms.PoorAssHilton said...

John Throbs

You are sick and perverted. I hope that you get a rise out of posting indecent things on an innocent blog. Gross, Ewww, Potty Mouth!!! Seriously man, post crap like that and I will delete your ass faster than you can spell Jenna Jameson.

You should be disgusted!!!

Whoreanusly yours,
Ms. PoorAss Hilton

At July 04, 2006 10:33 PM, Blogger Ms.PoorAssHilton said...

lml -

hope your fourth was awesome!! as always i will look forward to your next post.

Ms.PAH ;-)

At July 05, 2006 12:30 PM, Blogger Ronny said...

FYI - The two telephone numbers that are supposed to be La Perez's are both discounnected.

At July 05, 2006 8:02 PM, Anonymous Scotland The Brave said...

"Go to town folks, go to TOWN!!!" With what, might I ask? Lame commentary and photos?

I am sorry to be a kill joy, but this site has become rather stale since the departure of Poor Ass. Please bring back the pithy and bitchy commentary..see the comments of Poor Ass on the 29th for inspiration.

At July 06, 2006 9:18 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

i don`t agree, the site is getting better and better!

ms poorass deconstructs perez and makes him look insignificant whereas poorass was bitching about him like he`s some big deal.


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